Senior sentiment

Well, folks. Tonight it hit.

'It' refers to the thing I've been ignoring for the past few weeks - the realization that my time at Trin (check out why I love this place here) has come to a close.

Aside from the fact that I'm graduating (clarification: graduating, not walking in a ceremony...that's in May) in three days, I was recently internally provoked to think about why I love this place. Context: last Thursday, someone in one of my classes said they would never have anything positive to say about Trinity. I quickly returned my classmates pessimism with "Why do you hate Trinity, and why are you here if you do?" He gave a response that lacked any considerable validation (seriously, people, every school costs money), and what followed was 80 minutes of me not paying attention in my political science class and reflecting on the past three and a half years instead.

Behold, my bloggable (yep, made that up) list of what makes Trinity great:

[1] The people I've met - and come to love. This recipe of relationships consists of 1 part professors, 3 parts friends (the best ones, at that), and 4 parts E (seriously, this kid is voluntarily putting up with me for the rest of his life - God bless him). Trinity's wonderful gift of people became super real to me tonight when I had to say 'goodbye' to one of my best friends (check her out here). I walked up to her after some wonderful P&W, and before I knew it, we were sobbing in each other's embrace, relishing in the wonderful times we've had as friends, and acknowledging that for an unknown amount of time, we'll have to be friends from a distance. By far the most difficult part of my final week on campus thus far, and I know it's only going to get worse. Greeeeat.

[2] The things I've done - and gotten to be a part of. I feel bad for people that don't get themselves involved in something at college. My first, most important suggestion for any person I meet looking to make lasting friends during their college years is to get involved, and get involved quick. Every college affords students different opportunities, and you're a fool if you don't take advantage of that. I don't even feel bad saying that, because...

[3] How strong I've become. I've lived a wonderful life in three and a half years, but let's not be fooled, peeps - crap happens. Some of that crap was doable, like stressful semesters, ridiculous projects, and some of it was not so much, like getting homesick, or being far away during familial pain. But being 22 and saying that, for the past four years, I've learned to provide and stand for myself is certainly an accomplishment in my someday book. College joys and woes will do that to ya, I promise.

[4] The fact that leaving campus for good on Friday makes me cry. Although it really, really sucks, I have to be thankful that I'm sad to leave this place. A paradox, you might say? Not so much. It's the things we love, and I mean truly love, in life that are hardest to let go. I truly love this place, I'm going to miss it, and tears will be shed when I hug my roommates and other friends goodbye, even though I'll see them all in less than four weeks for the big day. Some people fear transformation and change, especially during their collegiate career. Embrace it; you'll only appreciate it for every penny you've spent later on.

I have more and want to keep writing, but obnoxiously-this-is-so-boring-and-long-reading-assignment-esque blog postings annoy me. So for now, I leave you with four that popped into my head.

Have something you love about college and want to share? Comment! I promise I'll comment back.

Today's lesson: love life, where it takes you, and what it brings you, because doing anything else is stupid.

A sneaky peek.

On a beautiful October day, E and I had a wonderful engagement photo session on our beloved Trinity Christian College campus. This place has a lot of meaning for us - it's where we met, fell in love, grew as people, and grew together. Forgive my cheesy sentiments, but this place will always be special to us. And now, creep away and check out some of the photos...I know you want to. 

Maybe my favorite. I know he definitely is. 

This smile happens a lot when I'm around him.

I look a little arrogant here.
...You would be, too, if this guy was yours.

The best of intentions

I really did intend to be better about keeping up with this, Scout's honor.

Luckily, for the few that read this (or maybe I'm delusional about readership), nothing too life-changing has happened since I turned 22. I turned in the dreadful senior seminar project, and 6300 words later, I consider myself a self-taught expert on crisis communication. For anyone facing an undesirable, more-than-likely-unexpected situation that pins you as the bad guy, always, always tell the truth, my friends. Crisis communication 101.

I get the "So, how's wedding planning going?" question a lot. And I think the last 10 times I've answered that question, it's been with, "Umm, pretty good. I'm not really doing anything, I guess." Ninety-five percent of the time, this is followed by a look of shock, mixed with a little horror and judgment. Call me 'Sally', but wedding planning doesn't necessarily get my pantyhose in a bunch, a.k.a. it doesn't stress me out that much. I was grateful enough to have a fiance' that proposed to me a year before our wedding date, so to be honest, all that big stuff that I have to figure out was figured out almost a year ago. This has fared to be a great setup for us, given that we're both freaking out about something WAY bigger right now....*scary music*....jobs.

Ahhh, yes. The full-time, salaried occupation that is every college student's recurring nightmare. Let me tell you, it has been nothing short of that. I don't know who has it worse - my super-genius other half that has interviewed in almost every region of the country but hasn't cemented anything down just yet; or me, the I-thought-my-major-would-take-me-places communicator who couldn't interest an employer if my appendages were chicken strips. We're really hugging the "All You Need is Love" theme right now. My secret fallback is to move to California in search for happiness as I wear white cotton and linen, holding hands with my beloved. Sound like the mid-60s to '70s? I thought you'd say that. Fortunately, neither E or I own VW vans; we represent the Honda Civic and Chevy Cobalt-ites. Much different, I assure you.

But since it was just Thanksgiving, I am thankful - for many things, to say the least. I am thankful God blessed me with a brain, and that He was gracious enough to give E one, too. We've been working like sleigh dogs this semester, and are crossing our paws that it'll show in our precious online student portal accounts.

I'm thankful that God has blessed me with a sincere, affectionate, genuine, brutally-honest, and ever-hilarious fiance'. The senior scramble is in full-swing at Trinland right now, and I'm glad to be one of the lucky ones that snatched her prince up three years ago. Wedding planning is relaxed for us, which has resulted in very few arguments that other couples typically experience. We've taken the approach more similar to that of a party planning committee. ...Ok, so we're not as ridiculous OR cool as "The Office", but party planning is definitely our vocab when it comes to the wedding.

And yes, I am thankful for the insecurity of job hunting (and missing). It's scary, emotionally-exhausting, time-consuming, and frustrating in simplest terms. But it's also humbling, and experiences like this are something everyone needs a little of in their life. And it has to be said: E and I have definitely learned where the strength to apply for loads of jobs we won't get needs to come from. Those little reminders from God are always a little bittersweet, but most definitely heavier on the 'sweet'.

Up next time: my and E's engagement photos! But for now, just a taste - you know, to keep you coming back for more, of course.

22.

It's officially two days after my 22nd birthday. I'm feelin' old, friends.

I know, I know. It's silly, really. Twenty-two is really not that old.

But why do I feel old? Is it the fact that when 11 o'clock rolls around each night, I'm thinking it's time for bed? Or is it because for the past year and a half, my clothing taste automatically favors more items in the womens' section than juniors'?

...I think I might have it figured out. This is a big - I mean, huge - year for me. In two-and-a-half months, graduation. A month after that, marriage. One week after that (hopefully), moving into the first place Eric or I can call 'ours', and (hopefully) starting some great new jobs.

I'm ready for that crazy month chocked full of life changes. I literally can not wait for all of those things to happen. But I think that being "old enough" for all of those things to be in my life's equation is what makes me feel old, aside from having no birthdays to look forward to until I'm 30 - banking on the fact that I'll be excited about turning 30, and in somewhat of a shape.

Just my thoughts on turning 22. It felt a little weird. A benefit of my most recent birthday? Eric and I took one of thee best pictures we have ever taken (see below). Fo reals.

aaaaannnnnddddd, I'm back.

It's been a while. I'd apologize, but I don't know of anyone who checked my blog every day during my 4ish-month hiatus. So, I'm not sorry. Just lazy.

Summer was weird. Usually, you hear laments that the sweet season flew by. My summer started off sprinting, then went into a coma, and ended in a comfortable power walk. I could tell you what I did, but I might as well not drown you in the probable boredom, and will keep it to a list instead: work, wedding planning, finding out I hate cooking for myself (as in, one person), and learning to drive a stick shift. Also, Eric and I consumed lots of pizza. Oh, and we got lots of awesome gifts - like a Keurig - at a bridal shower.

So what am I up to now? Welp, school has started again. That, my friends, took off like a Kenyan marathoner. I'm leading two student groups, working on my senior seminar project, and trying to enjoy my last semester as a college student. I'm also three months out from my wedding, and trying to give what I've been told is the most important day of my life the attention it deserves. Life is good, friends. It's busy, quite difficult to follow at times, and requiring lots of late night/early morning combinations.

I originally was going to vacation from blogging until I finally decided what I wanted to blog on. I know that blogging doesn't have to be this super well-thought out thing, or that each blog has to have a specific reason for existing other than for its author to write. But, I've always wanted to have a blog with purpose, talking to particular topics, like family, faith, fashion, relationships, and other stuff I like to think I'm knowledgeable on.

...And then, I realized that I really missed blogging. I missed submitting my random thoughts to the cyber world's critique. And I really missed writing, which, in this case, is synonymous with typing.

Lesson learned? Not everything I do in life has to serve a specified purpose, as long as I enjoy it. So with that, thank you for reading, and bask in the things you love, even if they only matter to you. Welcome back, and let's hope I'm better at supplying you with silly, useless thoughts.

It's good to be back,
Ashley

So, it really goes that fast

I’m in the middle of my first official week of summer, but I feel like summer never officially began.

Everyone knows that feeling. It’s the day after your last day of school, you wake up right before noon, and decide to have ice cream for lunch. To a lesser (or maybe further) extend, the feeling of finally “being done” is common among college students.

But what if you never have this feeling? What if everything just blurs together? (Insert intro music that awakens you to the topic for this post.)

The past year of my life has been an accumulation of mixed feelings. A year ago, I was crying in my parents embrace, telling them as they tried to say goodbye that I had made the wrong decision in deciding to spend a summer away from home. Nine months ago, I was finishing up a great internship experience, and preparing for another year at college. Eight months ago I learned one of my closest relatives had cancer, and the next 8 months proved to be the wildest rollercoaster ride of emotions I’ve experienced. My uncle’s cancer, busy school life, no social life, getting engaged (!), planning my wedding (again, !), experiencing the worst homesickness I’ve ever felt, and restarting the same internship I was dreading a short year ago.

So why is everything blurring together? Maybe it’s because that rollercoaster of emotions, specifically within the nine months of the school year, I so often curse was strangely satisfying (aside from the cancer and homesickness). This past year, I’ve found who I believe are true friends, and have kept the ones I always thought would be. I have a new love for some new people, and have grown closer to those I already did.

Choosing to focus on my third year of college, most days, I could NOT wait for it to be done. And then it came time to say goodbye to some friends for the summer, others for longer, and I prayed that the year wouldn’t end. I said ‘goodbye’ to the people I came to love, but only wished that the space pushing us apart would bring us closer.

Maybe that’s the irony in it all. I’d lay in bed at night, talking to my two roommates/best friends about my inner turmoil, and all I could say was that the greatest things in life pass by the quickest. Why must the things we most enjoy and the people we love, aside from all their faults, enter and leave our lives in what feels like a few minutes?

I blame myself for not appreciating the things I miss when they were in the present. I also blame this lack of smooth transition from school to summer to work on me, too. If only I’d given myself more time to adjust, soak in summer’s glory, and reflect…well, I’d be sitting on a deck basking in the May sun as I write this post rather than at my desk at work. 

What my mother taught me

It's Mother's Day, and being more than 700 miles away from my mom, I'm left with no option but to tell the rest of the world (or maybe just those who read this) what my mother means to me. Thank you, social media, for being so viral efficient.

Lessons from my mother

1. The love I have for my future kids will always be my priority. Since getting engaged, I can't stop thinking about the life I will have with my fiancée, especially for when we have kids of our own. As I plan our wedding, my rationale to stay within my budget is that my wedding is a big day, but the biggest day of our lives will be when we have children. You've heard it a billion times - the gift of life is truly a miracle. My mother has lived every day of her life with the philosophy that my three younger siblings and I are the greatest gift she's ever received. Of course, there have been days when having four kids isn't so fun. But my mother always make sure to tell us she loves us, and that we mean everything to her. 

2. Loving your spouse doesn't always mean you'll be happy. I've seen my mother sacrifice a lot of things for the benefit of my father, and as we all know, having to sacrifice things we want doesn't always make us happy. But more than her happiness, my mother loves my father, and if his happiness results from her sacrifice, it's worth it. I love my future husband more than I ever imagined I could, and I've also sacrifice more for him than I ever thought I would for a man. I've happily and willingly made these sacrifices, and I thank my mother for the strength to do so, knowing that what makes him happy will ultimately make me happy. 

3. Loving your kids doesn't always mean they'll understand at first. I can not tell you how many times I fought the love my mom (and dad) tried to show me by enforcing curfew and continually questioning what I was doing on the weekend. To be honest, I hated how over-protective and possessive they seemed, and I had no interest in trying to understand how they were "loving" me by "making me miserable". Their definition of tough love sounded more like social torture to me. To be blunt, I was stupid. I thank God for the epiphany I suddenly realized one day that tough love was more difficult for them than it was for my social scheduling. It would have been 100 times easier for them to let me do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, rather than trying to protect me. I'm thankful that my need for pride is outweighed by my want to acknowledge that yes, my parents were right, and only ever had my best interest and safety at heart.

4. In difficult and sad situations, you want more than anything to be strong for your family. I've never met a stronger woman than my mother. As a woman who lost both of her parents to tragic and sudden causes by the time she was 40, what I remember most at both of my grandparents' funerals was that my mom was a stronghold for my siblings and I. As we cried into her shoulders, waiting for her reassuring touch as she played with our hair, whispering that everything would be alright, I never gave much thought to the healing we may have deprived my mother of. My mother ignored her need to grieve, to cry with her siblings, to be held my by father, her process for healing, to comfort her children. I can not fathom the strength it took for her to be that for us, and I pray that I can be then same for my children.

On this day, whether or not you have the opportunity to be with your mother, I encourage you to think of what your mother has done for you, what she has taught you, and what she has been for you. My mother has been my best friend, my protector, my strength in hard times, my encouragement in discouraging times, my cheerleader in good times, and my fighter when I am too weak. The woman that has been all of these things and so much more for me is the woman I can only hope to be a fraction of some day.

Mom, I love you. Happy Mother's Day. 

L to R:  The woman I am, and the woman I want to be.