A recent conversation with my fiance' and his parents has frightened me and dashed all my hopes of letting the future happen like it's supposed to. Even after receiving (and accepting) an offer for a summer internship I wanted, I still don't feel like I have control.
I've decided that control, when it comes to my future, doesn't exist. It's like running around a race track with hopes of finishing, and continually being told that I still need to run one more lap. I think my worst fear is that control is something I'll never have.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life or what opportunities are going to come my way. I'm 21. I've stuck so much time, effort, and sleepless nights into my education, and what I want to do with my life is as unclear as mud. Even the things I'm looking forward to, like getting married, are turning from natural highs of happiness into illusions filled with dollar signs and headaches.
I realize that some mystery makes life fun. But, this mystery that is incompletely summed as "the rest of my life" is entirely horrific.Whatever is in store for me, and despite my frustration with the future, I can't wait to find out.
